It's nearly midnight and I just realized I have no one to talk to about this. Well, you're not here either but I thought that perhaps someday you'll find this letter and read it.
I don't know where to start, so I'll just write things as they come to my mind, alright? You can insult me later if it's too messy.
I'm in Radiant Garden, but not the Radiant Garden we knew. I'm in the past! It's very, very different from what I remember. The morning I woke up in here, I saw him. I kinda lost it when I looked at him, so I attacked him. I really didn't know I was in the past at that moment, I guess my body reacted on its own.
Well, to summarize, I didn't kill him. He didn't look like the one we fought in... uhm, you know where (I can't write the name right now, in case someone sees it before you). He took me to eat something because I was starving and then he paid for a hotel room for me! The beds are comfy and the pillows are very soft!
Then I started thinking, I'm in the past, I could change what happened if I told Ansem about it! It was the best idea I could come up with at the moment, if I could convince Ansem to stop the research (THAT research) then Radiant Garden wouldn't be destroyed and the worlds wouldn't be all messed up and the paths would stay closed and there would be no need for the key (you know what key).
I met Ansem and told him about it. But he mentioned something I hadn't thought at all. By changing the past I would also change the future. My future. I... really didn't think about it. We wouldn't meet Kairi, because she would stay here, and I, the me right here at this moment, would disappear because the past wouldn't be my past and all the things I did and I lived would never exist.
It was scary, I won't lie. The fact that I could drastically change everything I knew by just opening my mouth. But I thought about it a lot of time, I even bought one of those killer chocolate ice-creams to help me decide.
I could give you a chance to live without darkness. I could give Kairi a chance to have a family. I could prevent everything from happening. And I took my decision. I told everything to Ansem... or at least, everything concerning him and Xehanort (I would have taken years to tell him the whole story). He asked me if I was willing to sacrifice everything. I told him yes, yes I was.
I never thought it would hurt like this. It's like... seeing your life waving in front of you and knowing you will never get it back. Knowing I will never be back again, we will never see each other again, she will never meet us, everything. It doesn't feel real. I'm still half expecting to wake up back home so I can spend the rest of the day with you both.
That aside, it's not all that happened. I also decided to show Xehanort the nature of the heart. We've been close these days... It's weird, something inside tells me I should stay away, but for some reason my mind managed to separate the one in my memory from this one. He has a heart, I've felt it, and he's actually very kind. He still has a chance to realize there's much more than darkness. I can help him! I know I can!
I've come up with the best plan to show him. I'll make him fall in love. See, love is something the darkness could never overcome, the light that never goes out. If I can make him feel love, then there will always be light within him!
Then I thought it would be kind of difficult, seeing he has never had a girlfriend (but he had something with Ansem... that's freaky). I thought his lack of experience in the field could be a problem. But I solved that pretty quick.
I will make him fall in love with me. That way, I can be with him all the time, or most of it at least, and help him if anything happens. It won't matter if he has experience or not in the relationships department, because I will accept him no matter what. I'm sure I can do it!
On the other hand, I went out with Kairi yesterday. I took her to buy some ice-cream. She is so cute. I told her we were dating, and she blushed! I didn't mean it as real dating, because she's 5 and it would look, well, weird. But she's alright with that, so I guess no harm done. I wish you could see her.
I was thinking about the time I got left. I know you're probably angry at me for the whole making-Xehanort-fall-in-love-with-me thing, and I don't blame you... but as I write I can almost see you frown at me, and I think that's better than not seeing you at all.
Things have been calm lately. I know Ansem will do something about the research soon, as he only called it off temporarily. His disciples (and Xehanort) went nuts with the news. One of them, Even, has been following me around all the time after that. It's creepy.
I went out with Xehanort again. I took him to the Wind Cliff, remember I told you about it? We talked about how he felt about the research. He told me that his life was that research, because it meant regaining his memories, he looked sad. Then I told him he just needed to wait, that the memories would return on their own when his heart felt strong enough to remember them. I offered my hand to him... and he took it. It felt strange.
Before returning to the palace I gave him a plushie, he named it like me. He said he wouldn't forget the name that way.
For some reason, I felt bad about telling Ansem to stop the research.
I couldn't sleep well. There's something that has been bothering me since yesterday. Xehanort was out of himself when Ansem stopped the research completely, and I told him he could stay with me while he calmed down.
I don't know what's wrong with me. My whole body shivers when he looks at me, it's like he's piercing through me with those eyes... those eyes. I feel like I'm doing something terrible to you, after all that happened.
I kissed him. I can still feel his lips over mine, awkward. It's... I don't know, it's something so weird. He was as confused as I am. When I told him I thought he was breathtaking and that I wanted to fall in love with him, his face changed, I swear it changed. Those eyes looked so warm for a moment...
Riku... I meant every word. I've tried to convince myself that it was part of the plan, but I can't. I can't lie to myself. I have so little time left... I want to know him, to spend time with him. I want to save him from his darkness. I want to fall in love with him.
I'm sorry, Riku... I'm really sorry.
I said his name. He was touching me and I got lost in that kiss, oh gods, I would die for that kiss again.
IT WAS WRONG! Everything about it was wrong! He destroyed our world, he wanted to steal Kairi's heart, he drowned you in darkness and here I am shivering at his simple touch, wanting to taste more of his mouth, such delicious mouth that makes you beg for more once you try it. I said his name, I whispered it on his lips, on his throat. I want more, so much more.
No, no, NO! I hate myself for doing this, I will never apologize enough, I'm sorry, Riku, I really am! I said his name...
I'm sorry, Riku, please forgive me! I'm supposed to be your friend, we were supposed to be side by side in any circumstance. I failed you, I betrayed you, I'm sorry...!
...But if he kisses me again like that, I'll scream his name as many times as he wants.